8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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