Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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