my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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