The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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