My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
