I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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