I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I lost the right to judge tonight
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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