Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
