The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
