I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
