I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
