He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
