she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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