in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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