i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
