why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
