Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
