i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
