Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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