Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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