Only a mothe r could love this liver
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
