and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
