those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
