I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
