Tell her she can't have a vagina
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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