I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize