Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize