if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
