I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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