Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
