apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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