i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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