my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
BRING THE BAGELS
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
