Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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