So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
