A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
