Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
