Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
