If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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