I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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