If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
