Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
