I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
