yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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