if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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