as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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