giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
