I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
