haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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