It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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