so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
