i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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