I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
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We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
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Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.