Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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