White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
