I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
