She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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