Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
