Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
