This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
