so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
