i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
