ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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