i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
