i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
