Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
