someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
