The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
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