I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I need to align my fucking chakras
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
