I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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